Stop. Right this minute, take a deep breath in. Hold it. Let it go slowly. Do this again. Take a deep breath in. Hold it. Let it go slowly.
What do you feel in your body?
Recently, I paused to do this very simple meditation. When I breathed in, it was almost like I couldn’t bring the breath from my diaphragm to my nose because there was a tight ball of…something…blocking the space between my heart and my throat.
In this micro flash of a nanosecond, I caught a glimpse of what was lodged within-I saw myself rising early, showering, rushing breakfast, hurrying the dog to finish his business, racing to work, tirelessly wading through an endless to-do list, racing back home, multi-tasking while walking for exercise, throwing dinner on the table, and finally, collapsing on the couch-exhausted.
And that’s when I knew what was stuck in my chest. It was fear. I was scared of what might happen if I exhaled.
Three years ago today, I was declared “cancer free” after a surgery to remove an aggressive, five centimeter tumor from my body. In the days and months that followed, I endured treatments that reminded me of the value of my every breath. I felt a debt of gratitude to whatever force gifted me this second chance and vowed to never again take life for granted.
Yet, here I am, three years later, fearful of what might happen if I exhale. I am caught up in the same breakneck pace of my pre-cancer life, gasping on the same feelings of overwhelm and fears of failure. This realization stuns me and I wonder how I got here.
But, I also wonder how I might return. How do I reclaim the reverence for breath that I once learned and valued?
On this occasion of my rebirthday, I challenge myself to exhale and when I do, I breathe out my feelings of inadequacy. And then, I breathe in large gulps of self-compassion and love. And I do it again. Breathe out inadequacy. Breathe in self-compassion and love.
This is how I will celebrate this special day and as I breathe in and breathe out, I wonder if you, too, will join me?
Throughout my breast cancer experience, I wrote about things that I couldn’t find on the Internet, like what it was like to be breastless and bald and what I did to pull myself from the depths of despair when chemo became unbearable. If you’re interested in reading about my whole journey, you can download a PDF of Breast Cancer: The Journey Nobody Wants to Take.
Originally published at https://fiftysilverlinings.com on October 24, 2020.
